It Is Not The Same
Wednesday 10 January 2018 | 2:12 pm | 0 comment(s)
Assalamualaikum w.b.t.
Just like how iPhone's appearance changes, and so do we, humans, saramiya.
Now I am upset. Hm.
When I was still a secondary school student, when holidays came, I really like it. Holidays are the time to spend our time with family, spend our time to watch dramas, movies, and etc.
But the cons of holidays are we are almost 100 percent opposite of what we are in school. We sin a lot. If there is a pie chart, deeds will be in the minor sector, meanwhile the bad things will dominated the chart.
So, if I feel I do too much sins such as wasting time or doing what a muslimah mukminah shouldn't do, I will miss school. The atmosphere there, the feelings... So when I went back to school, you can't even describe the feelings. Calmness. Even when people once told me that Imtiaz is not the same as before, it still makes me calm. Its ability to encourage me to do better, do good things and so.
Yes, I admit that it's not the same anymore. Students there are getting wilder (is this the correct word?), not obeying the rules, and girls there talk too much, being loud in the class whatsoever..
But being home is incomparable to the atmosphere in Imtiaz Dungun. Nothing can do that except Imtiaz.
As an exsim, I will never be returning to school as a student anymore. That fact hurts me so much. Now, I feel sinned, feeling uncomfortable, and feelings that are indescribable. But I can't depend on my school anymore. I must do it myself. All of us have to do things on our own, with the help of our own inner side, the courage to do something good and being against to something that is bad.
My veil. There is no veil as comfortable as jilbab. (tudung dia jaddi, and I look good) but still, I don't wear it outside of the school. Yeah I currently wear a long veil, cover everything but it doesn't look good on me. (this paragraph is not about the pros of being in imtiaz. Haha it's just about beauty)
Yes, I am forced. All these while I have been doing deeds by force but not by my own willing. I like it. I like being forced. I miss the time mama would check on me before I khatam my Al-Quran to make sure I was reciting the Quran (even I feel like 'ahhh' that time but I appreciate it now) After finishing 30 juz (should not be considered as finishing because I know myself, my own ability and it feels like lying to myself), mama does not force me anymore. She wants me to recite the Quran by my own, not with force. She wants me to murajaah but not because of her. I miss the time when I was still struggling for my Quran, the time that I am still not khatam. If I don't khatam, I think now I will still be struggling. I miss Imtiaz. I miss Xanthrons. I miss the teachers.
I may look like a decent girl outside but deep inside, only Allah and I know that. I'm not as good as what some people might think of me. I'm truly a bad, bad, bad girl.
Okay, let me change the topic. It's not about school anymore. It's about friends. Have you ever feel like there is a gap between you and your friend? And it's getting wider and wider. You thought he or she is your friend, but in fact, it doesn't seem that way. That's what I feel. Having this kind of thoughts make me upset. Well, sometimes memories with your friend suddenly come to your mind, and you miss that, badly. You wish that everything is just like before, wish that if only we could turn back time.
I should learn to be a friendly person, so that I could be friends with anyone. So I wouldn't feel terribly sad if... finally the gap becomes even wider.
I guess I'm a sentimental person. Yes, I didn't cry during our last day in school, but I can't move on from things that happened in the past. I can't accept that everything has changed, people come and people go, I can't accept that.
I, myself, is not the same me anymore. I've changed. I'm not as 'goddess' as before. Nappeun saram.
Oh God, I'm lost. Seriously, I'm no use. I've tried, I've tried to stop doing that but I can't, and it's getting worse, day by day. To all of you who is reading this post, please pray for me, to have the courage to overcome 'that thing'. Okay seriously this is not about kdrama but something else. No no don't think of something bad, I don't do bad things. It's something simple, to some people, but not to me.The ability to say no. I really need that.
Sorry if the post today is a bit emotional but huhu what can I do............
Should I find a job?
Below is the saying that I copied from my friend.
Sometimes,And below also is a saying, not really a saying. It's a song in Sofia the First
People you care about
won't care about you
People whose support you need the most
simply won't support you
That's why you need to CARE FOR YOURSELF,
and be your own supporter
That way, even on days when you feel like you against the world,
you can say, "It's okay if you don't believe in me,"
"I believe in myself,"
I know a lot about overcoming doubt
So many things they told me that I shouldn't do
I went and prove they're wrong
And now I'll pass along
These simple words
I hope get through to you
It doesn't matter what they say
There's only one word to obey
And it's that little voice inside
So let that be your guide
That you can save the day
Cause you are stronger than you are
Stronger than you know
You may be small
But give it your all
And you will finally show
That you are stronger than you know
So much stronger than you know
I always get hurt by people's word and usually I just keep that to myself, not doing anything about it, and just letting it go. But sometimes, my patience has its limits. I could scold people too, but I was just too scared, I'm a coward. That is my biggest weakness. Inferiority complex. I feel so small in this world. And if I voice out what my heart currently feels, I would be scared if I get scolded back. Because I am kind of clueless(blurr) person, people usually bring me down, to the extent that I sometimes hate my life, for not being able to be angry.
Okay bye.
.jpg)